Where males have it hardest

She makes you sleep in the spare room when you've had one drink too many, moans when you leave the toilet seat up and makes you visit the in-laws when there's football on.

But if you think you have it hard, spare a thought for male red box spiders, one of a number of arachnid species where the males voluntarily castrate themselves during sex to increase their chances of successful mating.

According to a study published recently, snapped-off genitals keep pumping sperm into the female long after the male has scuttled off, increasing his chances of fathering offspring.

Now that's what we call having it hard. But red box spiders aren't the only unlucky males in the animal kingdom. Here are some more fellers who suffer for their gender.

Emperor penguins

Imagine standing in the same spot for nearly two months. Imagine if the temperatures you're standing around in regularly reach -40C and the wind gusts at 120mph. Imagine if one false move in this climate could kill your kid, which is nestling (in its egg) on your feet. Imagine if, for the entire two months, you weren't allowed a single crumb to eat.

Welcome to fatherhood emperor penguin style. Emperor males take charge of the egg as soon as it's laid, and give it back to mum after protecting it for two of the harshest months of the really quite harsh Antarctic winter. This awesome act of parenthood costs the birds half their bodyweight and the males only survive by huddling together for warmth.

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Spiders

I know what you're thinking: "Yeah, we know, they lose their genitals. You've told us that already."

Actually, there's a very good reason male spiders might sacrifice their genitals during mating. It means they can impregnate females without ending up as their dinner. In lots of spider species females cannibalise males after mating, for no greater reason than a smaller male spider makes a tasty snack after all that huffing and puffing. By scuttling off while mating is still occurring, male red box spiders (among others) have simply reached the obvious conclusion: better to lose your tackle than your life.

Mantises

Male spiders aren't the only ones who get eaten by their mates. Male praying and Chinese mantises do too. In fact, a female will often start eating her mate while he's still on the job. Now that's harsh.

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Baboons

You have to feel for male baboons. They snarl, grunt and fight their way to the top of the pack, and then suffer appalling stress as a consequence.

According to research published last year, male baboons that make it to the top are much more stressed than females, even in times of stability when there is plenty of food available. The researchers theorised that maintaining their lofty position in the social hierarchy cost these males dear in terms of health and wellbeing. The more successful the male, the higher his stress levels.

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Dawson's bees

Males of any species can become somewhat inflamed in the presence of a pretty female, but the Dawson's bee of the Australian outback takes male competitiveness to a ridiculous level.

When the males see a female fluttering by, they go for each other in the bee equivalent of a mass brawl at chucking out time. But this is a particularly brutal encounter, in which the enraged males form into a murderous bundle of biting insects and chomp each other to death.

It quickly becomes a killing frenzy, with perhaps only a single bee emerging alive from the scrum to mate with the female. Suddenly, competing for female attention using only the cut of your jeans and the slogan on your t-shirt seems like an eminently civilised way to meet a lady.

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Parasitoid wasp

Like the bees above, parasitoid wasp males fight to the death for a chance to mate with females. The fighting is brutal and intense, with losers literally losing their heads and even the winners walking away severely injured. And what do these walking wounded wasps do then? They start another fight, of course.

Researchers suggest that the males' behaviour is triggered by the scarcity of their mating opportunities. Most males will only ever get one chance to mate, so are prepared to risk everything to fulfil their biological purpose.

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Lions

A male lion may be the king of beasts, but his life can be hard, lonely and short. While females usually get to stay in the cosy protected environment of the pride for life, young males are chucked out to fend for themselves at around three years old.

Sometimes, life goes well - for a while. They form coalitions with other males. They rampage among the wildebeest and galavant among the gazelles. They enjoy being young, free and single. Then they come across a pride, evict the resident alpha male with threats and fighting, and gain access to a group of all-too-willing females, whose loyalty to their old male lasts about 10 minutes.

So far, so good. But once you have access to females, other nomadic males want it too. You have to fight to defend your position, and many male lions are mortally wounded in combat. The good days don't last long. Most males are with a pride for less than two years before being evicted by other males. The average lifespan of a male lion in the wild is around 10 years, five years less than that of a female.

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Seychelles warblers

As frequent viewers of daytime TV will tell you, some human males unknowingly end up raising the offspring of other males as their own (at least until the results of the paternity test are revealed - right after the break!). But for warbler bird males in the Seychelles, being a cuckold is pretty much part and parcel of life.

In a nutshell, warblers pair off for life with one significant partner and then, in the case of the females, mate with whatever passing fancy happens to flutter a feather from the next tree.

According to researchers, this behaviour produces genetic advantages for the resultant chicks. But that's of no comfort to the poor, faithful males back in the nest, who spend their lifetimes bringing up offspring that are not their own.

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Wattled jacana

The warbler isn't an isolated example, though. Throughout the animal world some brazen females keep a faithful male at home while playing away at every opportunity. The harlots!

In bird species in particular, males are often cuckolds. Take the wattled jacana, for example, where the small, quiet males look after other males' offspring while the loud, large females happily have it away with whoever comes knocking (or chirping).

Elsewhere in the animal kingdom, when a male does most of bringing up baby it's because he can be pretty sure the offspring are his own. Not so with the mild mannered jacana male, though, who cowers in the nest while his bullying mate spends her day preening and advertising her availability to any passing suitor.

• On Bing: more about the wattled jacana

People

You might think that, compared with this lot, human males have a pretty cushy existence, at least in times of peace. But that's not true everywhere.

The Chinese Mosuo tribe is a fully functioning matriarchy, one of the last in the world. In the Mosuo language, there are no words for 'husband' or 'father'. Women take most major decisions and control household finances. But if you're thinking "so what's different?", read on.

Mosuo women own all the land and all the houses, and have all rights to the children. Females don't marry, but instead take as many lovers as they fancy. Men spend their days fishing or farming and visit the women at night - by invitation only. Any resultant children are raised by the woman's family. Men are not treated badly, but are considered secondary to the life of the community.

So there you have it. Next time you're feeling persecuted because she won't let you spend a third consecutive night in the pub, it might be time to count your blessings.

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